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The New Doctor/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Thank you very much. Well, the big day has finally arrived. Possum lake's only bona fide medical man retired today. We still got dr. Harris. Harold, dr. Harris is a woman. Don't tell me you guys are that old-fashioned and insecure. Yes, we are, harold. Why don't you see dr. Harris? I've got nothing to hide. So I heard. (horns honking) (quacking) (red): Today, garth harble has a deer inside his house. I'll show you how to make a brand-new golf cart without spending 10 bucks, and buzz sherwood has something to protect your melon. I'm inviting any doctor watching the show to come on up to possum lake. The only doctors watching this show are psychiatrists. Says mr. Case study. Want you to know that you'll be replacing our resident medical man, dr. Finger. Dr. Finger's the one that left? He's a veterinarian. Cured our cat of worms. Well, so what, harold? People treat pets like members of the family. Dr. Finger treated the family like pets. He's only qualified to treat hairballs, fleas, and mange. Call them by their right names: Stinky peterson, moose thompson, and old man sedgwick. Bill's response to losing our doctor was to take this week and show you how to barbecue to eat more healthy foods. See what's happening here? I could tell bill that he's doing things wrong and that he hasn't noticed the barbecue has left, but there's no point. I'll let bill see it through. I'm sure he'll come to the conclusion that he is doing something that is not totally correct. Maybe an eye doctor would be in order. Uh-oh! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then maybe some behaviour therapy. Don't worry -- we'll be back to finish 'er off. Ranger gord, harold has arranged it so that we can play the possum lodge word-guessing game right here. Yes! I've played this game before. I never received the gifts I won last time. Then you won't need today's prize -- a shelving unit. Ok, yeah. I'll get the word. Don't peek, now. I gotta show the people. Ok. I've got 30 seconds to get you to say that word. Ready? Prepared. I haven't started yet. Um... Isolated. Hero. No... Depressed. Martyr. Alone. Um... 16 years. Forest ranger. Oh, groovy. No, no, no, the sad part. Lightning... Oh, yeah. We're running out of time. Um... You. Oh! Uh, handsome. No. Uh, trustworthy. Uh, loyal. Uh... Uh... Virgin! What did you say? Nothing. I give up, I forget. Hey, what's that? What's this here? ♪ ohhh, fingers are handy, you must understand ♪ ♪ you can do more things with your fingers ♪ ♪ than you can count on one hand ♪ ♪ work with them, point with them ♪ ♪ pick with them, scratch ♪ ♪ but if you give a big guy the finger ♪ ♪ you may not get it back ♪ with dr. Finger finally washing his hands -- of his medical career -- I'm getting him a retirement gift. I'm thinking golf cart. I could buy one of them fancy riding ones, but I'd have to forget what I thought of dr. Finger or I'd have to be rich or an idiot or both. Instead, I'll build one of those golf carts that you pull along. I need some plastic piping and various odds and ends, and a kid's bike, like this one. First, I gotta get the wheels off. To do that, I'll run 'er as fast as I can into that brick wall. Done. Maybe I should cut back on desserts. You're gonna put these on your golf cart. Normal golf carts have little wee wheels, but they're only good for the fairway. How many of us are ever there? Next, get yourself a can of soup. Oh! Make that an empty can of soup. Attach that to one of the wheels and just use one bolt. Use one bolt so the can stays level as the wheel goes around. You put water in there and drop your ball in... You have a continuous ball washer. Sounds like heaven to me. Take your pieces of plastic pipe, here, and you want to cut these into about 30-inch lengths. You can measure, if you like. I prefer to just eyeball. We got plenty there. You could cut that with a fine-tooth hacksaw or a carpet knife. Like I say, I never really liked dr. Finger. You attach all those together, using the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. All right, reach way down into your bed and you come up with... A hot water bottle. If you come up with something else, change the sheets. You cut this all the way around and stretch 'er over the end of the tubes. Be careful -- working with rubber can be tricky. I haven't been slapped that many times since the prom. Here's how she works. Get a club and stick them down into these tubes so the handle rests against the rubber of the hot water bottle. When you want a club, push down firmly... And she pops up into your hands. Get yourself the rest of the pipes and your fishing reel and you're ready to put the unit together. We got our clubs in there. We got our ball washer. I want to show you another feature. Get yourself a heavy-duty fishing reel, mount that on there, and on the end of the line, attach a rubber hose washer out of your hose. When you pull the club out, first of all, flip this hose washer over the grip. That way, if the shot doesn't go exactly the way you wanted it to and you're slipping into a blinding rage and trying to throw the club to the moon, after you cool off, all you gotta do is reel the club back in... Unless you nailed somebody, in which case, I would say, cut the line and keep walking. Another feature I've got is I've attached a bow saw to the handle, for when your ball goes behind a tree. You stand behind the tree and rock your cart back and forth while you're making your club selection, and you'll find the problem will probably take care of itself. Another thing I got -- really great -- the handle is another piece of plastic piping. Goes down into an elbow and out a pipe. When you've lost your ball or put it into the woods or it's on another fairway and you want to keep that secret, you kinda get close and drop a ball down here and... Oh! There's my ball there. There's your set of golf clubs. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. I think I'll use a four iron. Wonder why they call it a four iron. Fore! (glass breaking) next, buzz sherwood, who's always in the clouds, but usually with his plane. Getting a doctor here is harder than we thought. They say there's no demand. We're too healthy. People pretend they're healthy to avoid seeing dr. Finger. He keeps you overnight in a cage on some newspaper. We're not healthy here. There's enough sickos here to keep a m.A.S.H. Unit humming. Flinty mcclintock has that eye thing. Stinky peterson -- you gotta have something wrong with you to have a nickname like "stinky". What about gimpy o'hara? Typhoid larry. Blotchy williams and his blotches. Lumpy mitchell and his lumps. Scabby johnson and his johnson. Hi, this is ranger gord, standing on guard for you 23 hours a day. (gunfire) the other hour's my time! My time! No one in your family has the nerve to tell you, so I will. I've seen you driving through town, turning without signalling, driving too slow, turning right from the left-hand lane, parking with your car half up on the sidewalk. Ok, here's what's happening. You're starting to drive like your dad. (audience laughing) there's nothing scarier than a little man in a big car peeking up over the dashboard with a sour look on his face. Some people say that losing your driving skills is just part of nature's way of thinning the herd. (laughing) but I say, "give it up," and I say that, knowing that you won't, 'cause the guys I'm referring to think I'm referring to somebody else. Here's a solution you can live with. At our age, we only go to five different places. Your work, your lodge, your grocery store, your gas station, maybe your church. Just memorize those five routes. You'll go down so far, you'll put the turn signal on, you'll turn here, you'll stop here. Do everything just by memory. Try to keep up to the speed limit. They have it on big signs. You get those five routes down and don't go anywhere else ever the rest of your life, you'll stop being a menace. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. People always say safety is number one and here's a fella who's probably counting backwards -- buzz sherwood. It's gotta be safety first, no matter what you're running 'cause you never know when you'll total it. I always recommend get a good helmet. That is a very unique unit. I made it myself. Kind of a paper. It's like papier mache that kids do, and it fits and it works. Here, look -- say this melon is my head. Oh, yeah, sure. Except this is green with no hair on it. Yeah, yeah. It's full of juice and seeds and I don't have the seeds. You know when these go ripe and you get those flies buzzing around and they die on the soap in the bathroom? Yeah. I get those. So say this is my head and say I'm out on my dune buggy. I see, yeah. I'm going across the country and all of a sudden, I wipe out! Ahhhh! Look out! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! My gosh. Quite a beating, huh? Watch this -- look at that. For gosh sakes! This melon is ok. Oh! Isn't that great? You want to try it? Uh, no, but I think harold would. Oh, cool -- harold, come here. Participate, harold -- that's the thing. If you're loose, you don't get hurt. Sometimes I'm so loose I could die. (laughing) ok, here we go. Here comes the sherwood papier mache helmet. Brace yourself. Oh! Oh! (moaning) harold, you ok? I think he's people mache. I gotta put more glue and newspaper on that side, right, harold? Here's a handyman hint. You have different screw heads. You've got the slot head. The star-shaped or phillips screw head. You have the square hole, or as we call it in canada, the robertson screw head. Even have machine screws that take an allen key. For all these screw heads, I recommend the flat head. Remember, any tool can be the right tool. The medical crisis is over. We got ourselves a doctor. Aw, great -- who did you get? The guy who answered the ad. Check out the resume. Got him from port asbestos. Are we stealing their doctor? No, he wasn't practising medicine in port asbestos. He was a bartender. He's got a medical degree. Signed by sally struthers. Yeah, so? He was eight years at a tropical resort. Ha! Club tanabanana. I'm sure those resort doctors treat a variety of illnesses. Well, he was the lifeguard. Look, he's got other degrees. V.C.R. Repair, furnace renovations... What's that got to do with anything? He probably makes house calls. (buzz): Harold! Harold, you ok? Harold, whoa! I had no idea it would do that after I lit it. Man, you should have seen it. It rocketed right over your head. You didn't see it, but man, it went... It went... It went to the other side of the lake. But you're ok, right? Come on, man, talk to me. How do you make your eyes go like that? Harold? (red): All right, here it is. Good old bill and his barbecue special. Got the wienies out. That's them for sure. He's gonna do some barbecuing. Bill hasn't done barbecuing for a while. He puts the briquettes in and he puts the starter on and you can tell when a fella hasn't barbecued for a while, and he has his own special-- what is that? 10w30, in case we have a cold snap. Throws that on there. He's even got the paraffin soap... Nitro... The reason I knew he hadn't barbecued for a while is that this is actually a propane barbecue. Turn the gas on and then there's... There's some controls. You got two burners -- you can control either burner, anyway, so bill, he's more of a doer than a thinker -- boy, that propane's got a-- what? Uh-oh... Uh... No, turn it off at the tank. Just turn that, turn that... Oh! Um... All right, uh... No, no, bill -- sparks! Ahhhhh! (red): Oh. Ohhh... (red): Later that day, bill and I are wondering where the barbecue is. Oh, there's the table. And, uh... There's wienies as far as the eye can see. Ooh! Ahhh... Stuff's dropping out of the sky. What is that strange bird-like thing dropping? Oh, it's the barbecue lid. Wow. All right, we got everything back. Oh, boy. Well, that's rare. It's certainly not well-done, anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Garth's gonna take a deer out of his house. Our new doctor set up his practice. He rented the old mr. Tasty-freeze stand. You know the big mr. Tasty-freeze? That fat man holding the butterscotch sundae. That sundae is now a bedpan. He couldn't afford a new sign so from now on, we'll call him dr. Tasty-freeze. Dr. Tasty-freeze couldn't afford medical equipment. He sold it to pay for bartending college. He has to use the equipment at the tasty-freeze. One guy had a broken arm and came out with a banana splint. I don't know, harold. Moose thompson says dr. Tasty-freeze is great. He's just faking it for the ice cream. I'm no doctor, but I don't think a peanut buster brownie parfait is any cure for gout. Do you want anybody operating on you with plastic cutlery? I like the idea of going to somebody named dr. Tasty-freeze. You won't when you feel how cold his finger is. Garth harble here, animal control, showing you how to maintain man's dominance over the wild beasts. Speaking of wild beasts... Come on in here, red! What have you got for us? I'm going to show you something special, red. I'm going to take this opportunity to show you how to get a deer out of your house. (crashing and banging) holy mackerel! Wow! Well, don't worry, red. It's not that hard to get a deer out of your house. It's a lot easier than, say, getting a muskrat out. Oh, oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All I need is a flashlight, a bright flashlight. Sort of like a headlight. Sure, the way a deer-- whoa, whoa! The way a deer will freeze in the headlights. Exactly! (crashing and banging) all right, deer, where are you? Oh, great! Drinking out of my aquarium! Freeze! Gotcha! Hello, deer! I'm home! All right. (deer panting) easy, now, easy. Get out there. Ah... Whoa! Careful, careful, careful. Don't do that. Holy mackerel. All right. Wow, that's good work. All I do is take him back out into the woods and, uh... Keep a step back so I don't get kicked by his hooves, and then I turn off the flashlight. For gosh sakes -- boy, that works great. It sure does. Might even work on you, red. Really? (kicking) oh! Ow! Ohhh... That was a scar! Oh! Eee! Oh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Get up -- run! Oh, another super day! Welcome to the expert portion. This week, we have two experts: My uncle red and his best friend, mr. Dalton humphrey. (applause and cheering) (whistling) here's the letter here. It goes as follows: "dear experts..." "what is an appropriate "wedding gift when it's the third time for the groom "and the fourth for the bride?" well, how about one of them do-it-yourself divorce kits? Got the little sign on there -- "some disassembly required". (laughing) no, red, when a wedding is the nth time around, like this one is, you want to get something that will capture the feelings of the bride and groom. All right. I would suggest something used. (audience laughing) or as we say in the antique business, "previously enjoyed". (audience laughing) when a couple's been married a lot, they've got all the wedding gifts. What are you gonna do with a dozen toasters? I guess you could heat your house. What settings are you gonna put them on? Well, if it's night, you set it for "dark". (laughing and applause) you know... Y-y-you know, a couple that's been married before may not be so hard to shop for, especially if they've been wiped out in a previously messy divorce. Great to buy for somebody who's had a terrible personal tragedy like that. Yeah! Anything -- they'll take anything! Yeah! (red): Yeah, I love that. Yeah. Yeah. Sad, though -- it's sad. (laughing) god, it's a shame. (laughing) I've got-- you guys are awful. You're so cynical. You make marriage sound so cheap and cold and used and-- no, no, no, not "used", harold. "previously enjoyed." "previously enjoyed." (laughing and applause) garth harble here, animal control. You know, contrary to popular folklore, bats will not suck the blood out of your body. That's your boss's job. (laughing) our medical crisis is over. Dr. Tasty-freeze was a huge success. When he started using a thermometer with a maraschino cherry on top, everybody said, "no, I'm feeling fine." I think dr. Tasty-freeze is going back to bartending. For my hernia check-up, he asked if I wanted it with a twist. Well, doesn't matter, anyway. Junior singleton found a doctor over in port sandbar. Dr. Tuna or dr. Twofun or something... Dr. Tune-up? Dr. Tune-up, yeah. That's not a doctor's office. That's a garage for cars. All's I know is he got his plugs, points, and fluids done for $19.95, and they fixed his car. (possum squeal) meeting time, uncle red. I'll be down in a minute. If my wife is watching, I'm coming home after the meeting. I'm feeling great for a man of my age. I'm curious about how you feel for a woman your age. The rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the gang, keep your stick on the ice. (applause) (possum squeal) all rise, all rise. The president's in the room now. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. For more information on red green and possum lodge merchandise, call... Or find us on the internet at... Boy, this is too much!